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Hi! I'm Barbie
Today's Mood:
Sad
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Saturday, August 07, 2004
a night full of confused realizations
last night, i went to watch the concert of my idol Gary V. with Diane and my mom. the night didn't start out right due to the heavy feeling i had in the afternoon. part of me didn't want to watch the concert but part of me says i needed that time to just enjoy.. so i decided to go.
if you are familiar with Gary V's songs, bulk of it is about Him and it's just so ironic for me to watch it when i just questioned Him in my recent blog entry. every problem i have and every feeling that is constantly weakening me came up to me that night and all i wanted to do was burst into tears until i get tired and just 'die'.. although i can't do that because i was with my mom and they have no idea with what i'm going through now. so i kept all the tears and believe me how harder the feeling was when you can't release it.
but i can't help it.. every heartache i have flowed in just one tear. the very song that really affected me was "Natutulog ba ang Diyos?" and that's the question i've been reiterating to myself.
i try to be in search for Him but it's hard for me to be 'fair' with my feelings when the world has constantly been unfair to me.
i just want a sign, or a symbol of some sort..
well, this concert was different from his other concerts that i've watched. this was an 'inspirational concert' so most songs he sang were slow or serious (or sad..).. and it made me think even more. some songs gave me hope but some also made me realize that.. i still need it..
"Ikaw lang naman ang pinaka nakakaintindi sa akin pero bakit ganito? Bakit hinahayaan Mo ako magdusa? buong buhay ko ito lang ang lagi kong pinagdarasal, sinasabi ko Sa'yo simula pa noon, bago pa ito mawala, na bawian Mo ako ng kahit ano 'wag lang ito. Pero bakit Mo na lang lagi binabaliktad ang mga dasal ko? dahil ba Ikaw ang nakakaalam kung ano ang makakabuti para sa akin? Hindi mo ba nakikitang nakabuti at nakapagpa-unlad ito sa akin lalo na kung ikukumpara mo sa buhay ko bago ko makuha at ngayong nagdurusa ako? At kung ganon nga na hindi ito makakabuti para sa akin, bakit kailangan mo pa ibigay? Sana hindi na lang.. Sana hindi na ako nahihirapan nang ganito. Pagod na ako.. Gusto ko na sumuko pero ayoko pa rin tumigil sa laban dahil alam kong ito ang tama, nararapat, at makakabuti para sa akin. Sana 'wag Mo ako sukuan. Kailangan ko 'toh.. Sana pakinggan Mo ang natatangi kong dasal.."
Posted at 10:08 am by barbie
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it feels so nice that you guys just drop by my blog and create a comment or tag to make me feel better. believe me, it's greatly appreciated. i thank you for that.. and i love you guys so much.. although, please help me on this - let's not go beyond my blog. i just want to leave everything here and not talk about it when meet or whatever. these feelings are just merely for blogging..
but i really appreciate every pat, hug, kiss, and smile that i receive from all of you.. thank you so much..
Posted at 01:43 am by barbie
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Tuesday, July 27, 2004
c'mon! what's wrong with me? why can't i learn to think and feel and breathe by myself?
i'm so tired.. i want to give up.. i want to surrender.. i want to let lose.. i've already lost the fight but why can't i just let myself be at peace..?
fuck! why do you keep on doing this to me? i look for ways to keep myself preoccuppied but why aren't you helping me? this is beyond my control and you can make it happen with just one snap! why didn't you??
i just want to be happy!!! i just want to be contented!!! why can't you let me be? is it too much to ask??
what's in me that you always find ways to make my life so miserable?
i may have asked for so many things from you before but the irony is, why is it that the best thing i've got is the one you took from me?
i don't need these material shit! i can live without my other wishes that you gave me! you want it back? fine! then they're all yours! just give me back what i really wanted and needed! give me back my happiness! give me back my life!
i can't control myself now.. i can't control what i'm feeling.. i can't control what i'm thinking.. i've never been so senseless and useless in my entire life..
didn't you see what progress in me happened when i've got it? didn't you feel how happy i was when i have it? can't you see how wonderful and better my life was as compared to now?!?
bullshit!
this is the only thing i'm asking you now. take away everything i've got, i don't care.. just this once.. i'm never going to ask you for anything again..
please.. i beg you..
Posted at 09:01 pm by barbie
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Monday, July 26, 2004
dear friend,
i thank you for entering and staying into my life. i thank you for letting me enter yours and sharing it with me. we've been friends since time immemorial and i just can't stop reminiscing about our younger days.
we've been through a lot, through good times and bad times, through achievements and failures, and i'm just glad no matter what happens, i know, we know we're gonna stay with each other.
i'm sorry i've caused you pain. i'm sorry if i can't make you happy the way others do. believe me when i say this, that i'm trying my best to make you feel special and loved. you're happiness is all that matters to me.
you don't know how you made feel loved and cared for. you don't know how i value each and every minute i spend with you for the comfort and security is so much felt when i know you are walking beside me.
though we may not spend our everyday with each other, though we may argue on our differences and our own perspectives regarding life, i'll still be the same person you used to know.
this seemed such a wonderful friendship that i'm scared that distance, environment and time might break it.
i miss you..
i miss our laughters, our tears, our senseless conversations, our talks about the future, our bumming days.. i miss my life with you..
though we can't expect the world to operate the way we want it to, always remember that i'll always be here and that i'll never leave you.
i've always been here, my friend.. i've always been..
Posted at 06:51 pm by barbie
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Sunday, July 25, 2004
fart! my experience last friday was so draining, physically and emotionally!! yeah! it was because of the heavy traffic in katipunan! tangina lang! it was our barkada's (boggs) anniversary and we will be staying at opalyn's mansion for the night and celebrate there by just bumming around, watching dvd's, and eating. in short, it will be a "manas night" for all of us..
i left UP math building (nearest building from katipunan) at 4 PM. gelai and i stayed for a while inside the building because we can't get to the car due to the really heavy storm! eventually, we decided to fight against it because of our separate plans for the night. by the time we passed the gate of math building, there we saw the traffic. i never expected to be traffic at C. P. Garcia at that time because everyday of my life in UP, i passed by there and in no time at all we are already in katipunan..
gelai and i already played tong-its in the car to avoid boredom (that's what we always do when we're bored).. and fart! she even got my dictionary and started giving 'words for the day'! yuck! argh! but we have no choice coz we have nothing else to do. gelai figured out how to operate her umbrella and i figured out how to function the cd player in the car. basically, we already did everything we could do in our state of ennui.
we listened to every FM station that has traffic update and there was no improvement anywhere. gelai's mom was also stuck in traffic in the marikina part so i guess this is just the start of it.
anyway, when we were already near the barn, she decided to walk from there to KFC to meet doria. i was all alone since then. it was i guess 6 PM that time and i remembered it was already diane's off so i texted her if she wants to join me. i fetched her and ces espiritu at starbucks. eventually, ces decided to walk from mcdo to the LRT station because there was really no progress. my dad has been calling for more than 10 times already because he needs the car. he's already saying cuss words! hello! is it my fault i'm stuck here?! who wanted this to happen anyway???
so diane and i were left alone and we talked about a lot of things, mostly serious stuff about our lives. that i'm gonna tell you in my next entries. anyway, at 9 PM, i think, we're still near mini stop (UP katipunan sakayan) and diane left for a while to buy junky food for us.. we even saw vida and rina walking. they came from bigR and will be going back to ateneo to watch a concert. we also saw sherry and helen walking.. basically everyone's walking and for once i wished i didn't bring the car so that i'd just walk with the crowd and ride the LRT!
diane and i really bummed out at the U-turn slot part of aurora. we were stuck there for i guess 3 tp 5 hours. i already left diane at the car to pee and to buy our dinner at jollibee and diane told me the traffic moved for only 1 foot. haha! every car has already turned off their engines and my gas is only about 1/4 full and it's really hassle to stop by at some gas station mainly because.. hello!! i wanna go home and we will arrive at nowhere! we decided not to go to opalyn's place because we already assumed that we will arrive home past 12 midnight.
and that really happened. we were really drained to the point that there are times i catch myself half asleep while driving! haha! don't ride with me when i'm tired! anyway, i brought diane to her place because she still has a class in the morning (hassle!) and then went to my place. it's then i realized the car looked crashed inside! so many trash, all my things are scattered everywhere so i cleaned up first before entering our house..
one realization is, in these kinds of 'sufferings', you'll realize who among your friends really care about you..
9 hours in the car is no joke and no adventure.. take it from me.. take it from all those who suffered the same thing..
so what's the lesson of the story?
it's good to be commuting and walking at times.. haha!..
always bring with you food and beverage in your car.. and pee before going anywhere..
and also stuff you could do inside you car (like books.. man! that was the time i left mine!)..
learn other routes.. believe me. some parts are not traffic. i was just obedient to my father to just pass my normal route coz he said the traffic will pass anyway..
it's good to have a company in the car..
lastly, expect the unexpected! haha!
Posted at 10:00 pm by barbie
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dudes!!!!
i'm back!!!
shit! my life without net sucks big time! i'm so happy our CPU and our new internet (mydsl) are now working.. a lot of problems came with our techno stuff here.. i've got a lot in my mind and heart that i want to release although i don't know where to start.. just bear with me guys.. i'll take one step at a time.. haha!
Posted at 08:15 pm by barbie
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Monday, July 05, 2004
it's been a long time since i've created an entry here in my blog. our phone line was temporarily cut because of PLDT's minor problems.
anyway, just early this morning, i attended my English 1 class. i really like my professor because he's the right person for the job mainly because he speaks very well, he knows the job well, and he has many connections that produces stories he use in our discussions. i like how he thinks although mostly, he devotes our whole class for talk talk and talk. it becomes boring at times but it's fun and interesting to hear and learn new lessons that in some way or another could be related in our own lives.
my seatmate, who i always talk with when our discussion is boring, was absent and i have no choice but to listen or divert my mind into other things. our topic was "recycling the fabric of our national life". sounds boring right. what i did in most parts of the discussion was to pinch myself in order to stay awake.
our discussion led to comparing metro manila film festival movies to hollywood movies and this is where i started to listen. our prof compared captain barbel to smallville.. captain barbel the movie was in a bit twisted in some way like smallville. bong revilla got his powers from the erupted rocks of the volcano. sounds familiar right?
another is lasticman. i haven't watched it nor captain barbel. this was again compared to spiderman. lasticman is said to be maleable and cannot be hurt physically because of his innate powers. but when the media criticizes him (hhhmmm...) he started to become soft and decided not to continue 'saving the world'. until there came a time people really needed him and cried for help so he came back.
this is where i could connect my subject. Filipinos are known to be flexible and strong physically. they could fervently fight any obstacle and hardship that come their way. although when you fight or target them emotionally, this is where they soften and feel weak.
i am one of those Filipinos. i am strong physically but weak emotionally. i don't know if i should be proud or ashamed of it. this is just one of my realizations with the help of my professor. i'm now rediscovering myself. day by day i experience a lot and it helps me learn more about my changing self.
appreciate each and every detail that comes your way. it may not directly affect your life but somehow, somewhere it may still be applicable. know yourself through your surroundings. and maybe in time you'd also get to realize some things about yourself.
Pilipino ako!
Posted at 11:14 pm by barbie
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Tuesday, June 29, 2004
"The worth of a life doesn't depend on one single failure or a solitary success."
Posted at 10:35 pm by barbie
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Monday, June 28, 2004
i can't comprehend what i'm feeling now. i'm somewhat (again) getting the feel of mixed emotions.
today has been too tiring for me, both physically and emotionally. my heart pops out and my mind closes and sometimes the other way around.
i got to laugh so hard but i also got to cry so hard. i got to cry because of depression, because of hurt but i also got to cry because of happiness, of contentment and of security. i already found the comfort and assurance i've been waiting and longing for.
you see, i'm asking for too much and i know that's entirely impossible now.. i'm happier now compared in the past days but am i really that happy?
i'm not sure if i'm just kidding myself or this is what i really feel in my unstable stage. but one of the things i'm grateful that happened. God gave me what i really needed the most. i'm happy with this setup. or i could learn to be happy with what's happening in my life now.
"fuck society.." that's what i always say to myself. why does it have to be me that has to adjust for the world. and if i stick to my own beliefs, i am said to be selfish and self centered.
i'm not yet ready to play with and fight against the world. i can't do that alone. 'Coz deep inside this armor, the warrior is a child.
Posted at 12:04 am by barbie
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Sunday, June 27, 2004
my past blog entries show how much i've changed, how much i've become so depressed, and how much i crave for happiness.. my blog shows such loneliness that it may seem too tiring for you to read. but just to update you, i'm feeling better than before.
i can't say i've attained such happiness, or is it just that i don't want to admit it. honestly i'm scared. i'm scared of the feeling of ecstacy or bliss. or i'm just scared of the time that i can't get hold of it that long.
i'm happy. really.. but i still crave for more. i still crave for my definition of "heaven". right now i don't have it. i don't know if i'll ever have it but i'm still hoping. i'll wait. i may seem impatient but when i want something, i wait for it no matter how long i stay in my depression state.
i believe in what Laura said in their blog and i would like to quote it - "thanks God. for your freaky ways that can make me smile". i may not get the best of everything but at least i still have a reason to smile.
Posted at 11:17 am by barbie
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